The Anti-Feminist Mormon

I guess the Salt Lake Tribune recently ran an article about a blog entry recently.  I find it greatly disturbing anyone thinks like this, but I thought I’d cover the topic in all of its insanity.  Why insanity, because the blog entry nitpicks at pretty much everything about the church completely unrelated to doctrine.  Probably 90% of the author’s problems could be resolved by just getting up off your butt and doing something about it.  Seriously, my wife was dying in laughter at how stupid this nonsense was, so I thought I’d author a whimsical rebuttal.  Fortunately, I know my writing will be riddled with enough profanity to offend most Mormons from getting very far into the read, so with a little luck this won’t warrant much of a response.  I suggest opening the other article in another tab so you can go back and forth between the two.

1. Church length is irrelevant.  You’ll go to a three hour concert, play, performance, etc. without an afterthought, without breaks, and be actively engaged.  Plan accordingly.  Growing up in my home church was an all day event on Sunday (in Maryland).  Church at 9am.  Come home for lunch and spend the rest of the day doing service for the ward.  You sound like you need a calling, because clearly you haven’t been doing yours correctly if your not spending your entire Sunday doing it.
2. We welcome you to the ghetto wards of St. Louis where we all have food with us all the time.  Hell we have food socials after church anytime we want.  This is our “soup kitchen” and time when the building is open
3. If the nursery toys aren’t clean enough for you, motivate yourself to do it.  Offer your service.  Because sanitary wipes or taking toys and running them through the dishwasher is so difficult.  I would be my brother’s keeper… oh wait, you probably want that hymn removed from the hymnal as well, my bad.  Let me translate, I’m calling you LAZY!  Well, my wife just called you lazy… that’s President Wife to you!  Because she’s the Primary President dammit!  And don’t you forget it!
4. Better nursery toys?  Seriously?  Goodwill.  My bad, you’re in Utah… DI.  Ask your Bishop and I’m sure he’ll let you make a run to DI if your toys are in that bad a shape.  We just cycle out the old crap and members donate new stuff from time to time.  Not a perfect system, but #MembersTakingAction.  Did I just start a Mormon movement?
5. Get a new primary president.  Our kids have a fucking blast!  Ok, so it’s not that great, but it’s not that bad either.  We have the kids making up words to primary songs and a whole slew of other activities.  They sang the song Gethsemane (not in the Children’s songbook I might add) at a primary program a few months ago and blew us away… not a dry eye in the building.  It doesn’t take long for someone to search on Google for things that are fun and appropriate at church for little kids.  It does however, take the primary presidency to get out of their comfort zone, and spend some time preparing.  That’s on them though… not your all-male priesthood which you loathe so much.
6. Completely agree!
7. Sounds like your ward is just going through the motions.  Typical Utah.  Again, I’d gladly invite you to the ghettos of St. Louis where hymns are lively, often terrible, but always entertaining.
8. See #7
9. Classic Utah disease.  Do that in St. Louis you’ll get shot.  Duly noted, but irrelevant in this part of the country.
10. Similarly, home teaching and visiting teaching numbers here are bad for that very reason.  Well, mostly because we can’t find the peepz who moved out of the ward.  BUT – I guarantee we will leave you alone and respect your privacy.  Hell, we’re just happy to see you on Sunday.
11. Yep.
12. Beard, no beard, doesn’t matter here.  Half the men at church have beards (I can’t because I’m a firefighter).  And they go to the temple with them too.  And better yet, nobody gives a shit!  Whatever Mormons you’re surrounding yourself with sound like some pretty judgmental people.  These people are your friends?  If their not, why do you care what they think?
13. Neckties are culturally optional here.  Hell, we’ll take you in jeans , a t-shirt, smelling like smoke and alcohol if we can get you to come to church.  I wear a necktie and suit because I choose to.  I feel it’s what I’d want the Lord to see me in if we were to meet in our chapel.  That, and I feel pretty damn sexy in a suit.
14. A cup of coffee doesn’t keep you out of the temple.  Gambling won’t keep you out of the temple (fantasy football anyone?).  An addiction to ANYTHING will.  Again, an open invite to our ward – I’ll even setup the coffee pot for you.
15. I COMPLETELY disagree.  If anything we should be embracing the Scouting program.  Your entire bullshit blog entry counters this suggestion.  The BSA changed policies over many years to include women and girls, and the LDS youth program is intentionally being changed to combine the youth programs.  Leaving the scouting program is the very definition of stupid when the BSA has already done what the church is aiming to achieve.  I’m writing a book on this, so stay tuned.
16. Meh. Who cares.  We’re back to laziness and we’re in a society that’s created means to conduct lazy meetings.  Just do the damn things on Skype and call it a day.
17. Uh yeah.  Like gross.  What kind of ward are you guys running over there?
18. I’m one of the few who couldn’t stand Monson (because he was a homophobe) and could absolutely care less.  I’ve been in many other churches and they all have their follow the leader song, anthem, ritual, whatever.  Little kids love this song.  Let it go (yes, that was a Frozen reference because we should probably be singing Frozen songs in primary, right?).
19. Ha!  Scouting baby!  Your Scoutmaster conference has always been intended as the church’s way to prepare young men for their interviews with the bishop.  And I disagree.  That personal interview should be alone for the youth to be able to share things with their Bishop they may not share with their parents, establishing an adult level of confidentiality and trust.  I do think though that if the youth asks to have a parent with them during the interview, that should be acceptable.
20. mmmmmm… masturbation!
21. meh.  The girls and boys baptism have always been done separate to my knowledge (maybe they’re not anymore), and the guys who are conducting the ordinance shouldn’t be paying attention anyhow.  I know in the temple, names are getting swapped out so fast there’s no time to notice.  But seriously, I think those jumpsuits are like double-lined and pretty thick.  I think if you’re worried about what you look like in those things your mind is in the wrong place.  You sound like you’re whining for the sake of whining at this point.
22. Actually, there are indeed scriptures that prohibit this.  The sacrament is passed by the Aaronic priesthood.
23. Our ward will if we know someone is in there.
24. I’ve never even heard of this.  Hell, I’ve seen people walk up AFTER sacrament meeting and members of the priesthood have happily offered the sacrament.  Especially if we missed someone in the mother’s lounge!  I know our priesthood goes out every Sunday and delivers the sacrament to the elderly.  I beg you please to never let me attend your ward!
25. Womens’ garments should be what God reveals them to be!  I personally find the fact that my underwear is a test question in the temple interview to be greatly disturbing.  I also think that since initiatory simply states we are to wear the garment throughout our life the garments should be optional outside of the temple. I can’t stand the things.  They literally keep me up all night because I move around a lot when I sleep.  My underwear is none of the church’s business as far as I’m concerned.  I don’t think you or I are going to change the church’s opinion anytime soon.
26. And who are you to make this call?  I’m sorry garments aren’t fashionable enough for you.  Is there anything else I should bow down and kiss your ass for?  Oh wait, we’re only at #26.  Shit….
27. Totally agree.  The vast majority of our leadership is VERY homophobic.  Aint changin anytime soon sista.  One can only hope though.
28. We worship Jesus?  You sure?  Cuz your blog entry strongly hints at worshiping you.  Our religion’s all about what you want, right?  You sure we worship Jesus?  Are you sure???
29. Quit dressing like one and quit acting like one.  You want to be taken seriously, contribute in such a fashion so you’re treated the way you want to be treated.  If you don’t like how you’re being treated, get up off your ass and do something about it instead of bitching about it.
30. No.  Never.  You hold the priesthood through your spouse and spend a life in the relief society devoted to charity, because there is nothing more sacred than charity in the eyes of God.  And as a priesthood holder through your husband you are entitled to the same revelation as your husband in the hierarchy of authority.  You are however, not permitted to perform ordinances.  I find it disgusting and insulting as a man that women want to lower themselves to being ordained elders and priests.  Women are so much more than that, and if you can’t see that you are blind!  Open your eyes and see that you have a higher calling.  Do some research outside the anti-mormon feminist horseshit and you’ll find what you’re after.  I do wish the church was more vocal about this.
31. You clearly don’t have a fucking clue what this religion’s about.  Maybe you should find another one.  Or better yet, do the research and find out WHY things are done the way they are before you seek to change things for your own good.
32. Really?  You’re concerned about the walls.  This is only #32.  Why am I still reading this?
33. Or, you could just do a better job cleaning when it’s your turn.  Have I mentioned laziness yet?
34. Then don’t bring them or watch it online if they bug you that much.  Man you’re cranky.  I mean, Woman you’re cranky.
35. Black, white, female, male, bisexual, don’t care.  If we could just get the old farts who do speak to do something about their dry-mouth, we’d be getting somewhere.
36. Completely disagree.  I don’t think God cares how culturally diverse his messages are to his people.  Cultural diversity is secondary to the quality of the message.  And considering I don’t think there’s been a quality message out of almost anyone from conference in many years (save Uchtdorf… he’s always epic, but I think maybe he’s epic because everyone else is so bad), cultural diversity is going to do nothing save maybe make you take off your sunglasses from all those white people.  Lets work on the quality of the messages first.
37. Amazon has bleacher seat pads and I’ve seen elderly members bring them to church on our padded pews.  Back to laziness?  Yeah, back to laziness.
38. So get involved with one.  Holy shit you’re lazy!
39. Maybe the Mormons who are working in soup kitchens and doing anti-poverty work aren’t fucking talking about it.  It’s called humility.  Or better yet, in Mormon terms, a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  What’s stopping you from leading by example?  Just do it (notice the Kimball desk/Nike reference?)!
40. Being bias has nothing to do with this whatsoever.  I’m not even half way through this crap and there’s a level of ignorance that just angers me… like Jesus throwing a shit fit in a temple angry.  Wards are doing this.  If yours isn’t, step up and help them do it.
41. You know way too many women who were sexually assaulted on their missions??? I call bullshit because in all my interactions with LDS members over the past 40 years I’ve not heard of one!  If this were really an issue parents wouldn’t be sending their daughters on missions.  The church does a wonderful job taking care of the sisters and elders serving our church, my son included.  But lets go with the idea that even one is too many.  How about we teach self defense to our daughters.  Again.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!  Be prepared!  Oh wait… that’s a Boy Scout thing and we don’t want to teach that icky stuff to our children anymore.
42. I’ll be honest and admit I know nothing about the budgets of wards outside the USA.
43. Meh.  I’m from St. Louis and the shopping mall in Salt Lake is pretty badass.  Something has to fund all this crazy shit you’re coming up with.
44. You’re feeding a baby.  Some privacy maybe if you need it.  Most of the women in our ward just feed out in the open in front of everybody… the mother’s lounge is rarely used.  You’re a feminist worried about covering your boob?  What more could the room possibly need?  Maybe a mani and pedi for your royal highness?
45. Meh.  I just find an empty room, change my kid’s diaper and then wipe everything down.  It’s easier, quieter, I have more space and I’m less likely to have someone that may need the stall I’m using.  I have used your aptly-unfit mother’s lounge (when empty) for this as well without a complaint.
46. The hymns we have couldn’t possibly be any more global.  Take some time and read about the history of the hymns at the bottom of each hymn.  It’s pretty awesome that when I go to midnight mass every year (because Mormons don’t do that, which is ok, I get to go to one of the pretty churches in our community with our non-LDS friends) I know most of the hymns because we sing them at our church too.  Your constant harp on cultural diversity is out of line here.  Our hymnal is already culturally diverse.  Old and stale?  Sure, but not for a lack of cultural diversity.  I’m not even sure attending another church will fix this one for you.  They’re borderline they same stale songs we have for the most part.  I use stale loosely here though… I like most of our hymns.  They do a good job of inviting the spirit, which is the purpose of Sacrament Meeting.  Yes?
47. You’re deeply uncomfortable about patriotic hymns?  Maybe it’s not just a new religion you should be looking for.  I’m sure there’s a new country that’ll happily take you (I don’t know, maybe not.  I don’t think self-righteous, entitled, pretentious, spoiled brat is on any citizenship application I’m aware of, but maybe someone will be so kind to point that out for me).  And I’m not Democrat or Republican and I saw right through this anti-Trump moment.  Don’t make it so obvious next time and maybe nobody will notice.  It’s ok though, you’re secret’s safe with me.
48. Perhaps share your deeper insight and knowledge with the rest of the gospel essentials 1.0 class.  If there’s any indication from this blog entry of what your “deeper knowledge of the gospel” really is for a gospel essentials 2.0 class, I sure as hell wouldn’t want you there.  Perhaps you need to sit in the gospel essentials 1.0 class to listen more, and criticize less.
49. No she doesn’t.  She wears the same badge her husband does.  Why isn’t that equal enough for you?  Something tells me no matter how official a title anyone is given it would never be enough for you.
50. Unless there are ordinances to be preformed, sure, why not.
51. Proudly have a vasectomy.  Was my wife’s idea.  Couldn’t give a rat’s ass what the church thinks about it.  It was our decision and the best one for our family.  I talk about it at church often.
52. See #25
53. I’m living proof… NOT sealed to my birth father, known formally in our family as the sperm donor.  I’m sealed to my “step-father” (use the term loosely because it’s not true… he is my father.  He raised me).
54. Get off the coffee bit already.  Jeez, walk down to Starbucks and get yourself a friggin’ cup of coffee!
55. Seems to me like the new missionaries fresh outta the MTC tend to ask this whereas your more experienced missionaries know better.  They’re just tying to do the best they can.  Get off their asses a bit.  I let em know I’ll send someone their way when I find em.  That’s usually enough.
56. My son’s serving a mission in Scotland/Ireland.  They don’t.  They can’t.
57. Agree with this, and I think the missionaries agree with it to.  And I don’t think the church is against the idea, but I don’t think missionaries know how to approach the idea.  Things that are different and new are tough to setup.  But it could be done if they chose to.  Funny really.  I just wrote a letter to my son about this very thing last week.
58. If they’re away from home for the first time, SCOUT CAMP!!!  I strongly doubt  – many – missionaries are away from home for the first time.  This is very much in the minority.  And I very much want my son focused on his work.  I want him to fail without me.  I want him to succeed without me.  He needs to be setup for life without me.  And this is exactly why Scouting is so important.  Scouting has always been the church’s arm to prepare missionaries.  And you want to eliminate Scouting?  Are you crazy?
59. Of course
60. Again, a non-issue outside the holy land of Utah.  We plan our own baptisms here.  Planning one for my youngest daughter in May as we speak.
61. I know nothing about this.
62. No.  The sealing is a sacred ordinance and you should have a temple recommend to enter the temple.  The marriage celebration shouldn’t be taking place in the temple anyhow.  Lets keep all things sacred inside the temple and all things not sacred outside of it.
63. I’m a firefighter.  To meet code you’re talking about $30k to retrofit every building with the proper hood and duct system it will require.  This doesn’t include the cost of the bi-annual inspections of the systems, maintenance and or repairs over the years, along with all the permits to serve food.  The fact we’re allowed to have a range in the kitchen at all is a blessing.
64. Yep.  Totally agree.
65. Also agree.
66. Yes!
67. Yes!
68. I don’t think art is what makes the building.  The walls of our building are barren white concrete.  But whatever.
69. You want us to stop worshiping the general leadership, but you want pictures of general leadership up… only if they’re women.  Hmmmm.
70. We’ve had men in the primary presidency before.  The Sunday School Presidency is priesthood.
71. Never knew this was an issue.  If we have a YSA willing to contribute, we put em to work, just like anyone else.
72. Other churches have paid for permits if they’re doing anything at all.  Other organizations have paid for permits.  Again, you’re talking major code violations to just open up and serve any purpose.  Buildings were doing these kinds of things in the 70s and 80s and the church had to put an end to it.  Contact your mayor, governor and congressman (not your church leaders) if you’d like to change building codes.  It’s up to them which set of codes they adopt and enforce.
73. Sounds like you can’t stand much of the church now, even when they agree.  Church leaders disagreeing would tear you apart!  I don’t think member’s siding with one leader or another would create the unified environment the church has worked so hard to create.  It’d tear the church apart and any idiot can see that.
74. The manual is a guide.  I’ve only ever used it as a topic creator and then catered it to my audience.  I think our new 2018 curriculum further endorses this idea.
75. I’ve never heard of that.  Had a female speaker close in today’s sacrament meeting.
76. Relief.  Society.
77. I think the only person we call president around here is the stake president.  Everyone else is first name basis.  This has no importance at all.  Here we are again on petty, meaningless nonsense.  You want labels, but you don’t want labels.  Which is it?
78. It was awesome?  I don’t even recollect it ever happening.  Have a primary kid pray for all I care.  It doesn’t matter who prays to God at any meeting, male or female.  Just open and close the thing and call it a day.  Get over yourself.
79. yippie skippy.
80. We are taught about women, frequently.  Every general conference going back for years shares stories of good, prominent women.  Sorry it isn’t every minute of every meeting every Sunday.  Sounds like that wouldn’t even be enough for you.
81. Have you trick-or-treated the streets of East St. Louis?  By all means, please come trick-or-treat the East St. Louis streets, and if you come back alive, because you’re a white female, and I’m assuming inexperienced with firearms, you’re more than welcome to join us for our ward’s trunk-or-treat, which is, you know, safe.
82. Sounds like a good idea.  Although my wife busted out laughing because you now have a nursing mother with a low cut shirt bending over or kneeling down holding a baby with clear access to perfect cleavage.  Didn’t think you’d appreciate that with your ward being too cold for you to put clothes on.  We’re all envisioning nipples now.  Yep, this just went too far.  On a serious note, I bet we could probably get away with this here if we wanted to because she’s not actually participating in the ordinance.  I see no difference than a mother holding her child during a blessing for the sick.  I can see how this could be a problem in Utah with everyone caught in their ways.
83. Well I guess you’ve never heard of girl’s camp.  Or youth conference pioneer treks.  And the current effort to combine the youth programs.  We’re back to criticisms of things where there are no problems.
84. Put on some fucking clothes.  Wanna wear pants?  Do it and don’t let the people who are offended by it bother you.  You’re there to worship Christ right?  If he’s good with you there in pants, that’s between you and Him.
85. Here’s some news for you.  God is just a he.  And we know we have a Heavenly Mother.  But we don’t worship our Heavenly Mother, we worship God.  If you would like to worship a woman (and everything in your blog entry indicates you do), I highly suggest Catholicism.  I have many Catholic friends (I can’t begin to tell you how much I love fish friday), they won’t give a rat’s ass about you drinking coffee.
86. If wards and programs were based on numbers, our ward is perfect example of not following that.  We’re the most functional/dysfunctional loving/epic/weird ward you’ll every attend.  We definitely love you for who you are and will take you for whatever you’ll give us.  Numbers never play into that.  It’s unfortunate that the church exaggerates membership numbers the way they do.  There are numerous wards like ours in the area that teeter-totter between ward/branch level definition where only a handful of families are the glue that keep the show running week-to-week.  At least in the states, church numbers are dwindling to nothing.  Honestly, we’re just happy the church picks up the bills for the building so we have a place to meet.
87. Lol.  Happens all the time here.  If my daughter could do it, I’m sure they’d let her play the piano version of The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin in sacrament meeting.  The question we get for musical numbers is simple — does it invite the spirit?
88. Maybe your leaders need to learn to delegate more and micromanage less.  Both of those roles are completely hands off if you know how to be a leader.  If you don’t, yes, I can understand how overwhelming those positions could be.  Unfortunately, the church needs to do a better job on teaching how to be a leader, and teaching how to fulfill your calling.  The downfall of the Scouting Program has been the church’s failure to do just this.
89. Again, sounds like you have poor leaders.  Better yet, be the better parent and teach your kids as opposed to relying on someone else to do it… this is what’s wrong with our public schools system today.  Laziness again?  Yep.
90. Another problem that isn’t a problem.  As a person who does genealogy frequently, allowing sealings to more than one woman is already a genealogical nightmare.  Lets make it worse.
91. I’m sure with buildings in Utah accommodating as many wards as our stake center does, you know full well that’s not possible.  There are 4-5 wards meeting in a day, and not only do you get to a point where you run into code violations (there can only be so many people in a building  and/or room at one time (Google the Station Nightclub Fire – there weren’t enough exits for everyone to get out so people burned to death stuck in the doorways), codes are typically reactive and there for a reason), but there are only so many rooms to conduct meetings.  This might hurt, but maybe you should start thinking about others and putting their needs ahead of your own.  Novel concept, I know.  This whole blog entry is the very definition of greed.
92. I agree.  And with the advent of the internet and video chat along with streaming video on the mormon channel, etc. should make training for the church trivial.
93. Again, quality trumps diversity.  Get off this diversity crap.  Tell you what, go lobby to make The Wiz a more diverse musical.  Tell me when you make that happen, and then we’ll talk about making the church more diverse too.  I’ll bet watching The Cosby Show just ate you up inside because it wasn’t culturally diverse enough for you.  Nevermind the fact it was just a good, quality show.
94. “Formal” home teaching would never fly here.  It’s more of a casual get together with friends than anything else.  I’m not sure Utah is a good fit for you.
95. Meh.  Take it or leave it.  I’ve always thought it would be awesome if the LDS church would purchase, rehab and restore old churches, but I understand we’re not in the business of that.  And there’s nothing better than a new building.  On the other hand, our building is OLD and could really just be torn down and rebuilt.  I don’t see that happening unless we have more active members to justify it.  In the meantime, we love our worn out, piece of shit building that’s seen much better times.  But the spirit’s there, so we’re grateful and happy for what we have.  What it looks like doesn’t really matter.  Stained glass or no stained glass.

I don’t know who this author is, but she needs to strongly consider finding another church.  Specifically find a church that

1. puts her in charge (because every church wants someone as lazy as the author) – my wife pointed this out by the way
2. justifies coffee
3. doesn’t support scouting
4. lets women run the show for no apparent reason other than that they are women
5. have a mother’s lounge that’s worthy of a five-star luxury resort… in every chapel AND temple.

Sounds like a millennial wrote this shit.  Ungrateful.  Entitled.  Self-righteous.  And empty.  The complete lack of proposing a solution for anything on this list provides a poorly laid out script of bitter opinions, unlike Martin Luther’s Theses, which were well thought out, and responding to a majority of public opinions about the church at the time.  There’s nothing here that doesn’t just say I’m a bitter, angry person, so I’m going throw a tantrum because I’m not getting what I want.  Specifically, not a fucking thing on this is in the majority of what LDS members want in their church today.  My wife and I would love to see the elimination of garments (except in the temple) and the return of polygamy, but we understand why the church abolished it, why it’s still taboo today, and why it’s not best for the majority of the church.  God will reveal things in His time, not ours.  Faith, Sister.  Faith.

And folks this is EXACTLY why feminism is no less ridiculous than black lives matter or any other organization that singles out a sole group.  Equality, equality, equality.  And being equal doesn’t mean having the same role.  My wife and I both play prominent, proactive roles in raising our children.  And we frequently take turns being the good guy and the bad guy depending on the situation.  These so-called “movements” are self-centered.  Somehow by correcting a bad situation, it makes that movement somehow relevant to every situation, which is wrong.  That’s like saying a screwdriver is the only tool to use fix anything (which as we all know, it’s duct tape – that’s sarcasm for all you snarky pieces of shit that take everything seriously and/or literally).  Feminism is a common hatred of men.  Black Lives Matter is a common hatred of anyone who’s not black.  Sure, neither organization comes out and bluntly says that, but their underlying actions say that.  The same way the LDS church’s underlying actions say they hate gays.  Jesus said love everyone.  Any association with any of these groups goes against that simple, yet perfect message.